The Many Shades of Love

Online dictionary defines love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person" or "a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child or a friend". The word Love is so commonly and frequently used and yet has different meanings at different times and in varying situations. Whatever the context in which the word is used, most of the people understand the meaning of the word in the context it is used. A little study of the word indicates that the word has many meanings in different contexts. The love of a man for a woman or vice versa is different from the love of a mother to a child. The love of a husband for the wife or vice versa is different from the love of a teacher to his pupil or a devotee to the Lord. 

Love is often an intense feeling for someone or something. It can be earthly and confined to the physical attraction. It can be for something for physical objects like a musical instrument or books. It can as well be for something abstract like the love for the Lord. Sometimes its effects can be seen and at other times it can only be felt. Some shades of love can be understood by all. Some other shades require a deeper understanding of the background and some preparation to fathom the depth of the intense feelings of love. 

It is interesting to note that different philosophies deal with the word in detail and mention different types of love. In a sense, love is like colour; it has different shades and takes many forms. While a detailed study of the word can fill a vast canvas and can be a subject for a PhD thesis, there is no harm in considering a limited edition of the study to understand the basic philosophy that denotes the word.

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References to Bible give four kinds of love. They are identified through 4 Greek words, Eros, Storge, Phileo and Agape. They represent the four different faces of love:

Eros originated from the Greek God of love and represents physical or romantic love.  It is more commonly associated with bodily attraction as mentioned with the acts of Cupid (Roman God of Love). Storge refers to the love between mother and child or parents and children, love among family members like brothers and sisters etc. Phileo is wider and denotes love among the people in the same community and emotional bonding between deep friendships. It can also be in the context of philosophy and learning. Agape is considered as the highest form of love, the one between the Lord and mankind or the love of a devotee to the Lord.

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Arabic myth refers to seven shades of love. Each is indicated by an Arabic word and these words are commonly used in Urdu as well. The seven shades and their main qualities are Hub (Attraction), Uns (Infatuation), Ishq (Love), Adiqat (Reverence), Ibadat (Worship), Junoon (Obsession) and Maut (Death). As the meanings of the words indicate, these shades show different levels from physical attraction to highest form of worship. Some sources also mention ten and eleven shades of love.

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What is the interpretation of shades of love in the Indian context? Ancient Indian texts give three basic shades of love. These shades depend upon the comparative relationship between the two personalities involved. An example can be the relationship of a Guru (Mentor) and a Shishya (Disciple or Mentee). There is flow of love from both sides; but their expression and shades differ. Another example is the love between two equals, where the flow on either side is similar. 

Love is not a static concept; it evolves with time. An example of this evolvement over years is the love between a son or daughter and the parents. On the day of birth, the love between the parents and the baby is something that can be really understood by those who have felt it. As the child grows up, the love of the parents takes the shape of love between a guide and the ward. It moves towards one between friends in due course. The trend reverses as the child grows into an adult and the parents grow older. Protectiveness which was one of the expressions of love now gets reversed and the parents receive the protection of their own child, now grown into an adult. The cycle moves on....

The three basic shades of love defined in the ancient Indian texts are:

• Love towards those who are at a higher pedestal takes the shape of reverence. This is identified as Bhakti. (भक्ति - ಭಕ್ತಿ )
• Love towards those who are our equals and the flow is the same in both directions. This is Sneha. ( स्नेह - ಸ್ನೇಹ )
• Love towards those who are younger or dependant on us. This is Krupa - Grace or Favour. (कृपा - ಕೃಪೆ )

The three shades mentioned above are not to be confused to be one of status or superior or inferior stances. It is basically a method of social interaction in a mutually accepted relationship. With advancement in age, knowledge and maturity, movement from one level to the next higher level is a natural progression; it is not something to be shy of or proud as well.

Those in the first level are to behave with benevolence and kindness. Those in the third level are to behave with reverence and deference. In the life's journey all of us will be at one of these levels at sometime or the other!

Does this have any similarity with Transaction Analysis? 

Returned, with apologies!

We often hear the words "Returned with thanks".  Most of the printed receipts read "Received with thanks".  But ever heard of  "Returned with apologies"?  Today's THE HINDU (26th July 2012) carried one such news item.

In Kotturpuram extension of Chennai, house of Shri Azhar Hussain, a retired anesthetist from a Government Hospital in Chennai, was burgled last week. Burglars entered the house by unscrewing a window on Friday evening. Over 70 sovereigns of gold jewellery, including diamond and platinum items, and 2,00,000 rupees in cash was taken away by the burglars. After four days, on the next Wednesday, his daughter-in-law answered the door bell at 6 AM in the morning.  She did not find anybody near the door. She spotted a plastic cover placed on the door step. When she opened the packet, she found all the items that were taken away during burglary.  There was one additional item as well; a note of apology in Tamil (local language) expressing regret for having burgled the house.  What an honest act even in the midst of total dishonesty!

An friend and well-wisher told me that similar acts of honesty (!) is displayed by pick pockets in Bombay.  A picked purse usually contains many items besides cash; credit/debit and ATM cards, visiting cards, photo of a little son or daughter or even a girl/boy friend, or some piece of paper or noting.  Some may even keep an Identity Card or PAN Card.  The one who stole the purse is only interested in cash. May be credit/debit/ATM card if the holder ignores the instructions of the issuing bank and notes down the PIN number on the card itself.  Other items do not interest him but they may be invaluable for the owner of the purse.  A lot of trouble in getting the duplicate of these items. Some items can never be replaced; like a photo with one's mother taken several years ago.  The thief needs money but not other items.  He is aware of the importance of other items to the purse owner. He does not throw them in the nearby dustbin.  He takes a manila envelope and puts all these contents in it. He mails the envelope to the owner as per address available in the visiting card and drops it in the post box. He takes care not to put stamps on it as he does not want a reduction of his booty. The envelope is delivered by the postal department by collecting twice the normal postage.  On receipt of the envelope, the owner thanks the thief instead of cursing him.  He is grateful for the honesty and understanding shown by the thief in returning the priceless posessions!

It is true that the thieves are quite understanding in Bombay trains.   But they could be equally ruthless also.  I am reminded of an incident I was told several years ago by another friend. A thief stole a girl's gold chain from a overcrowded compartment. When he went to sell the item he found that it was not made of real gold, but an imitation.  He was angry at being cheated.  His efforts had gone waste. Had he known that the girl would cheat him by wearing an imitation jewellery item, he would have tried his luck elsewhere. The "Opportunity Cost" was too much for him and fair wages for his efforts were denied. The girl was a regular traveler on the train, commuting from home to work and back.  He came back on the next day and found her in her regular compartment. He threw the chain on her face and gave a blow as interest. She was warned not to wear such items and deceive others in future.

Another friend mentioned about his son's cricket gear.  The young boy is a hard core cricket enthusiast and keen to work hard and make it big in the game.  He has quite a pool of talent too. The family recognized his talent and eagerness and got him a sports kit with all the items required for a budding cricketer. There were good quality bats, leg guards, gloves, boots and a helmet to protect from short pitched deliveries.  His talent was spotted by a well known coach and the boy's desire got wings.  One day he reached the cricket field, kept his kit in the usual place and went for warm up exercises.  When he returned after a few minutes the kit was gone.  The young lad was heart broken.  For him it was not just a kit or a few items. It was the package that contained his dream.  Undaunted by the loss he continued his mission with a substitute kit. But the loss of his beloved original kit made him sad.  A few days later, one of his friends told him that another boy was playing in the nearby ground with a bat which looked like the lost one.  When they both went to the other boy and checked there was no doubt at all and it was the same bat.  The boy was confronted with identifying marks.  The other boy had no answer and the bat then led to the kit itself.  The kit is now back with the original owner and he is now pursuing his mission with renewed vigor. There was neither an apology nor a thanks muttered in this case, though.

Then there was the famous case of returning of stolen property, may be due to fear.  This is a story I heard from my mother when I was a school boy. Saint Thyagaraja was presented a beautiful portrait of "Kodanda Rama" by some of his disciples during the marriage of his daughter. The saint cherished it and used offer prayers before the portrait every day.  Some thieves broke into his house one day and carried away the photo. Saint Thyagaraja was devastated by this loss.  He is said to have composed many kritis describing his pitiable conditions due to the big loss.  The persons who stole the photo faced many sufferings and misery after the theft. They could not hold the photo any longer and one night came back and kept the photo near the front door and ran away.  When the saint opened the door next day, he found the smiling photo of "Kodanda Rama".  He was mightily pleased and carried the photo inside the house. He is said to have sung the kirtana "Echharikagaa Raa ra...." meaning something like come, carefully....  Another version says that his jealous brother Jalpesha stole the Saint's idols and threw them away in the nearby Kaaveri river.  The saint prayed continuously unable to bear the loss of idols.  One night Sri Rama appeared in his dream and told him the exact location in the river from which the idols can be retrieved.  The saint promptly went to that spot and gleefully retrieved the idols.  This was not a case of "Returning with thanks" or "Returning with apologies".  It was indeed a case of  "Returning with divine love", not by the thief, by the stolen himself!

As Saint Thyagaraja himself sang,  "Endaro Mahanubhavulu.....Andiriki Vandanamulu".   

What is LOVE?

When we open our "Inbox" we often find a number of unwanted messages and forwards.  Many of them are deleted even before opening them because we have no time to read them.  And also the perennial fear of viruses.   We may also curse senders of such messages while unceremoniously deleting them.   Of course, others may also be cursing us for similar reasons at the same time.   One good thing about the old mail system was that the sender had to pay postage.  Unfortunately, even that constraint is not there now.

It is not always unwanted stuff alone.   Sometimes we do get meaningful and informative matter also.  These messages or stories are left in the "Inbox" for future reference.   One office had a lot of old records occupying large volume of space.   In-charge of the office wanted to destroy the papers to make way for future incoming papers.   He wrote to the higher authorities seeking permission to destroy the old papers.  He knew the requirements of bureaucracy for approving such requests as he himself was earlier working in the higher office and remembered how he was treating such requests when sitting at the other end.   He made a proper report with details of why the papers were not required and why their destruction was necessary.   Enclosing therewith details of papers to be destroyed, period-wise as well as subject-wise.   The voluminous report and the request was duly received at the higher office.   As is their practice, the higher office wanted to reject the request and close the matter.   But the reference was not providing any scope for rejection.  Higher office approved destruction of all unwanted records, as there was no alternative, subject to two conditions.   First, to destroy only unwanted papers after keeping a photocopy of all such papers safely for future reference.   Second, to keep the expenditure for photocopying at the minimum and allotting the work to lowest bidder after obtaining competitive quotations.   The lower office  rued the action of making reference for destruction.   They could not keep quiet also; there would be regular reminders for confirmation of compliance of approval already issued!

This is a story I received as a "forward" six years ago.  It was safely hibernating in the "Inbox".   I do not know the author or where was it published.  I am repeating it as I have received it.

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"How long will you be poring over that newspaper? Will you come here right away and make your darling daughter eat her food?"

I tossed the paper away and rushed to the scene.  My only daughter Sindhu looked frightened.  Tears were welling up in her eyes.  In front of her was a bowl filled to its brim with Curd Rice.

Sindhu is a nice child, quite intelligent for her age.  She had just turned eight.  She particularly detested Curd Rice.   My mother and my wife are orthodox, and believe firmly in the 'cooling effects' of Curd Rice!   I cleared my throat, and picked up the bowl.   "Sindhu darling, why don't you take a few mouthful of this Curd Rice?   Just for Dad's sake, dear.  And, if you don't, your Mom will shout at me"

I could sense my wife's scowl behind my back.  Sindhu softened a bit, and wiped her tears with the back of her hands. "OK, Dad. I will eat - not just a few mouthfuls, but the whole lot of this.  But, you should...' Sindhu hesitated.  "Dad, if I eat this entire Curd Rice, will you give me whatever I ask for?"

"Oh sure, darling".
"Promise?"
"Promise".   I covered the pink soft hand extended by my daughter with mine, and clinched the deal.
"Ask Mom also to give a similar promise", my daughter insisted.  My wife slapped her hand on Sindhu's, muttering "Promise", without any emotion.

Now I became a bit anxious.  "Sindumma, you shouldn't insist on getting a computer or any such expensive items. Dad does not have that kind of money right now. OK?"
"No, Dad. I do not want anything expensive".  Slowly and painfully, she finished eating the whole quantity of curd rice.  I was silently angry with my wife and my mother for forcing my child eat something that she detested.

After the ordeal was through, Sindhu came to me with her eyes wide with expectation. All our attention was on her. "Dad, I want to have my head shaved off, this Sunday!" was her demand!


"Atrocious!" shouted my wife, "a girl child having her head shaved off? Impossible!"

"Never in our family!" my mother rasped.  "She has been watching too much of television. Our culture is getting totally spoiled with these TV programs!"

"Sindhumma, why don't you ask for something else?  We will be sad seeing you with a clean-shaven head"

"No, Dad.  I do not want anything else", Sindhu said with finality.

"Please, Sindhu, why don't you try to understand our feelings?",  I tried to plead with her.

"Dad, you saw how difficult it was for me to eat that Curd Rice", Sindhu was in tears.   "And you promised to grant me whatever I ask for.  Now, you are going back on your words.  Was it not you who told me the story of King Harishchandra, and its moral that we should honour our promises no matter what?"

It was time for me to call the shots.  Our promise must be kept.
"Are you out your mind?" chorused my mother and wife.
"No. If we go back on our promises, she will never learn to honour her own.  Sindhu, your wish will be fulfilled."

With her head clean-shaven, Sindhu had a round-face, and her eyes looked big & beautiful.

On Monday morning, I dropped her at her school.  It was a sight to watch my hairless Sindhu walking towards her classroom.   She turned around and waved.  I waved back with a smile.  Just then, a boy alighted from a car, and shouted, "Sindhuja, please wait for me!"

What struck me was the hairless head of that boy. "May be, that is the in-stuff, "I thought.

"Sir, your daughter Sindhuja is great indeed!"  Without introducing herself, a lady got out of the car, and continued, "That boy who is walking along with your daughter is my son Harish.   He is suffering from ... ... leukemia."

She paused to muffle her sobs.   "Harish could not attend the school for the whole of the last month. He lost all his hair due to the side effects of the chemotherapy.  He refused to come back to school fearing the unintentional but cruel teasing of the schoolmates.  Sindhuja visited him last week, and promised him that she will take care of the teasing issue.  But, I never imagined she would sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of my son!   Sir, you and your wife are blessed to have such a noble child as your daughter".

I stood transfixed.  And then, I wept.  "My little Angel, will you grant me a boon?  Should there be another birth for me, will you be my mother, and teach me what Love is ........!!!!!!!!!!?"

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I considered this  "Forward" received six years ago, as worth saving and sharing.  Do you?

Aspects of Love - The musical

We were in the "Walnut Street Theatre" in downtown Philadelphia and a visit to the oldest theatre in America would be incomplete without watching an actual performance on its stage.  We had no confirmed reservation and fell back upon the "Standby" ticketing system, which provides seats in case confirmed seat ticket holders do not show up before the doors to the auditorium close, for whatever reasons.  The show time was 8 PM and we were asked to wait in the lobby.  Just before the show was about to commence, we were allowed entry and advised to take the nearest available seats.  To our luck, we found excellent seats which may not have probably been available had we reserved in advance.

The play for the day was a musical, titled "Aspects of Love", based on a novel by David Garnett.  It is a romantic musical filled with passion, love and loss across three generations of a family and their companions, and is set against the background of 1940's France and Italy. Alex Dillingham, a young student traveling through France, falls in love with the alluring actress Rose Vibert. As the pair embark on a passionate affair, the unexpected arrival of Alex's uncle changes their lives forever. This is a love story spanning twenty years binding six people and three generations as they come to appreciate that "love changes everything." Andrew Lloyd Webber's soaring melodies touch our heart and make this an enjoyable musical evening.

The play unfolds in a total of 38 scenes, 21 before the intermission and 17 thereafter.  The places are Paris, a small theatre and a cafe in Montpelier in Southern France, Pau again in France, Venice, a military camp in Malaya, and in two Railway stations, inside a Railway compartment, a Circus, A Registry Office for Marriages, Back stage of a Grand Theatre in Paris and a Vineyard in Pau, besides inside a house in Pau.  The total impact of the play was highlighted by the use of the stage and arrangement of the sets, in pace with the movement of the story.  The moving stage area was perfectly and fully used to show the change in locations without any loss of time.  Though the action shifted from one place or location to the other, there were no interruptions  and wastage of time.  By the time one scene is completed, arrangement for the next set is completed behind the stage and the rotating movement of the stage brings the other part of the stage to the front,  before the actors move and enter from the other side.  In most of the drama we see, much of the effect is left to the imagination of the audience and the stage does not show the physical evidence of the time and place.  Here the actual items were physically present and together with the light effects and projection of slides took the audience to the time and place of action itself.  A subtle use of the projectors, optimum use stage space and the sets with appropriate lighting provided the total impact as if the action is actually happening in the location being mentioned as well as in the time period in which the action is said to be taking place. 

One of the scenes was in a Cafe in Montpelier immediately after a scene in a small theatre.  Just as the theatre scene ended, the rotating stage moved and there was a cafe ready with a mini bar with all the liquor bottles and glassware of different shapes and sizes, four tables as they use in a bistro, in its original Parisian incarnation of  a small restaurant serving moderately priced simple meals in a modest setting. As the main players went on with their actions on one of the tables, there was continuous action on the other three tables as well, with guests being given the Menu, waiters taking orders, wine and food being served, guests eating and drinking and bills being presented and paid.  If any spectator is watching the other tables only, ignoring the main characters, it was a bistro at regular and brisk business.  The other players like the customers and  waiters moved in and out unobtrusively and without affecting the movement of the main characters.  There were three bedroom scenes in the play and there were in actual three different full size cots, a wooden double cot with a bed and accessories, a steel double cot with accessories and a bed and a child's bed for the child artiste.  In a Green Room scene, there was a regular big mirror, all the make up material and an actual ten feet tall wardrobe with three to four dozen different dresses in them!  When a person had to enter a room, the entry was through a 15 feet high decorated door as we see in Paris and Europe.  The Circus scene was full with men, women and children holding balloons, a juggler with his hat-trick show,  two artistes making jumping scenes and a full range balloon shooting outfit with rifles for shooting balloons and toys and stuffed rabbits being given away as prizes. A scene for serving breakfast actually consisted of a servant bring in a breakfast tray with regular breakfast items and coffee pots.  The railway station scene brought the full effect of Gare Du Nord station in Paris by a subtle projection of the ceilings of the station and other fittings giving an impression that we are actually revisiting the station.  

The total effect of all the above has a considerable impact on the viewer and enhances the experience.  It is possible to bring any effect in a movie, but considering the limitations of space and time available to a drama troupe, the effort was a display of dramatic excellence at its best.  

Among the forthcoming plays this season are "The King and I" (remember the film by the same name with Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr), "The Mousetrap" and two other musicals.  We did enjoy every moment of our visit to the "Walnut Street Theatre" as well as the show "Aspects of Love".