Interpersonal Relationship Skills

Usage of proper "Interpersonal Relationship Skills" is emerging as a powerful tool in management of entities. We have frequent references to interpersonal skills in soft skills and management training programs all over the world. It is often said that practice of good interpersonal skills is the key to success in any type of organizations. There are exclusive training programs for development of these skills. Other management development programs also devote considerable time for discussing the importance of these skills as well as methods for imbibing such abilities for achieving success by managers at different levels. 

Harry Stack Sullivan is often quoted by soft skill trainers as the father of the study of interpersonal skills. Sullivan was the son of Irish parents who migrated to America and is said to have spent his early years in a somewhat isolated living in the New York province of USA. He studied the works of Sigmund Freud, Adolf Meyer, William White and other psychologists before him and became a leading Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst. His extensive study of relationships in human lives led to his belief that life is a web of interpersonal relationships. He is remembered as the father of "Interpersonal Psychoanalysis" and its use in treatment of patients by studying their interpersonal relationships with others.

What is the Indian thinking about interpersonal relationships? Did anyone think of the importance of interpersonal relationships and their finer aspects? Is it a modren westren idea or is there any reference to such views in Indian literature? These are some questions that beg for an answer. There are abundant references to interpersonal relationships in the various literary works of yesteryears. A detailed study on this subject can bring out a thesis fit for awarding a PhD. These references go back to several centuries and as much as over two thousand years in the least.

Indian saint-philosopher Bhartruhari has defined a nine dimensional grid for interpersonal relationship skills. Bhartruhari's period is not definite and there are many versions dating him between 6th century BC to 1st century AD. By any account, he lived at least two thousand years ago. He is believed by some to be the King of Ujjain and elder brother of King Vikramaditya of Vikram-Betaal fame.

What are the segments of people with whom a person can have interpersonal relationships during his lifetime? It can be a group of one's close relatives and friends (Swajana - स्वजन). It may be those subordinate to him in official or personal capacities (Parijana - परिजन). It may be with a group of people who are inimical to his own interests or those who are having adverse or hostile behavior to him and society (Durjana - दुर्जन). There may be others who are saintly or benevolent in nature (Sadhujana - साधुजन). There could be others who are occupying positions of authority (Nrupajana - नृपजन). Then there are always a set of people who are scholars and erudite persons with whom he would deal at different times (Vidvajjana - विद्वज्जन). There can be a group of people who are his enemies (Shatrujana - शत्रुजन).  There would be some who are considered as his elders and guides in life (Gurujana - गुरुजन). A man is also required to deal with groups of women. Some of them may belong to the above eight groups. Other women would be a distinct group (Kaantajana - कान्तजन). Dealings with these segments of people has to be on different footings and cannot be the same. Bhartruhari has made clear demarkation for dealing with these nine groups.

Once the persons are classified into segments as above, there can be a firm basis for interaction that can be arrived at thereafter. The foundations for dealing with them are given as under:

1. Dealing with Swajana is to be with generosity and not curt or cut-and-dried approach. We frequently hear people saying that they do not give a damn about others and deal with people in their own harsh methods. "I tell them on their face. What do I care?", they often say. This is not the method to be used with one's own people. It should with finesse and delicate touch. These are people with whom one needs to have lifelong relationships. 
2. Interaction with Parijana would be founded on the values of compassion and kindness. They may not be able to reply back harshly due to their relatively weaker positions, but would nevertheless feel hurt and discouraged. Their future support in one's endeavors would not be spontaneous thereafter.
3. Handling Durjana is to be with sharpness and harshness. Any other method used would be interpreted by them as a sign of weakness. But one should be careful before using these methods and classification should be done after proper assessment and verification, and not on hearsay. 
4. Sadhujana group of persons are to be treated with reverence and devotion. These are people who do not aspire anything for themselves and live for the welfare of others. Care should be exercised before accepting persons in this group.
5. Due diplomacy and obedience should mark interactions with Nrupajana or people in authority. Other methods of dealing with them will not be appreciated and could turn out to be counterproductive. Authority is to be respected for maintaining order in society.
6. Vidvajjana deserve to be treated with deference and respect. This is not any concession given to them, but their due on account of their superior knowledge and wisdom. These are the people who command respect wherever they go; there is no better way to interact with them.
7. Shatrujana or enemies are to be faced with valour and courage. Dealings have to be on equal footing and without compromising self respect. There ought to be determination and boldness in dealing with one's enemies, but one should be always be watchful and prepared for any eventuality.
8. Patience would be the hallmark in dealing with Gurujana or elders. Those with experience in life would very well understand the requirement of patience while living with elders, who may often be dependent now, and yet have led a self-sufficient life when they were young. Any deviation from the path of patience would hurt them and bring unnecessary strains in the relationship.
9. Kaantajana are to be treated with tactfulness. Tact is a keen sense of what is appropriate, tasteful and dealing issues with delicate demeanor. This approach is consistent with the general nature that differentiates women from men. The interactions of women with men is also to be with a sense of appropriateness and tasteful as well.

How to remember all these different segmentation of people and basic structure of interacting with them? Is it not too eloberate and cumbersome to remember and practice? No, not at all. Bhartruhari has given a simple formula that can be easily remembered:

दाक्षिण्यं स्वजने दया परिजने शाठ्यं सदा दुर्जने |

प्रीतिः साधुजने नयो नृपजने विद्वज्जनेश्वार्जवम्  ||

शौर्यं शत्रुजने क्षमा गुरुजने कान्ताजने धृष्टता |

येचैवं पुरुषाः कलासु कुशलाः तेष्वेव लोकस्थितिः || 

Daakshinyam swajane daya parijane shaatyam sada durjane,

Preetih saadhujane nayo nrupajane vidvajjanescharjavam;

Showrym shatrujane kshamaa gurujane kaantajane dhrushtataa

Yechaivam purushah kalaasu kushalah teshveva lokastitihi. 

Is interpersonal relationship an art or a craft? This can be answered only when we are able to differentiate between art and craft. The difference between the two is subtle and too thin to explain in words. An art is a form of work that is linked to and is an expression of emotions. A craft is dedicated work that brings out a tangible object as output. Bhartruhari says that interpersonal relationship is an artful craft! कलासु कुशलाः (kalasu kushalaah) is the phrase he uses which denotes this expression.

Is this not a wonderful analysis of interpersonal relationship? There are many such hidden gems in our vast literature treasure!

*****

E A S Prasanna and S Venkataraghavan were both gifted cricketers and represented the Indian team with distinction in the 1960s and 70s. Both were off-spinners and had to lose their place in the team to each other on many occasions. Though both were off-spinners, their bowling style was entirely different and both were excellent bowlers. Prasanna was the master of flight and beat the batsman in the air. Venkataraghavan was relying more on accuracy and persistence. An expert commentator once wrote in a magazine - Prasanna is an artiste whereas Venkat is a skilled craftsman. Does it explain the difference between art and craft? Of course, those who have seen both in action on the cricket fields will have an endless argument on this statement.

The Alternate Route

He returned from office that evening earlier than the usual time.  As he entered the house, he realized that the atmosphere was very tense.  Returning from a hard day's work to a tension filled home is something nobody wants.  But life has its own twists and turns and does not always go on as one wishes.  The young girl was sitting in a corner of the hall with swollen red eyes and tears rolling down her cheeks.  Her mother, having returned from a daylong work at office half an hour ago, was cooking supper in the kitchen.

He sat on his usual chair by the window and looked at his daughter.  Before he could choose the words to ask her about the reason for her crying, voice from the kitchen said, "Tell your father about your achievement.  He will be very happy".  Ah! what a wonderful way of communication, he thought.  When the daughter or son does something good or achieves some distinction, she or he is my daughter or son.  When she or he defaults or suffers a setback, she or he is your daughter or son!  There is no discrimination; both father and mother use this logic at home as and when the opportunity throws up.  This time it was the mother's turn.  Another wonderful expression used in combination with this during such situations is to blame the other parent for pampering the child.  The one starting the argument with this logic and has a bigger voice usually wins the argument.  More often because the parent with a weaker voice does not continue the fight and the game ends in a walkover.

The daughter did not speak; her crying intensified.  "There is no use in crying.  Tell him and get scolded.  You have to face it", admonished her mother.  Daughter did not speak even then.  He knew he had a big problem on hand.  He beckoned the daughter to come and sit in the chair by his side.  She hesitatingly and slowly moved to that chair.  She knew by her own experience that whenever one of the parents attacked her, the other parent gave some support.  "Why are you crying?  What happened?", he asked in a kindly voice.  "I failed in my examination.  I could not get minimum marks required for a pass in Mathematics", she barely finished her reply and started crying even louder.

She was always a good student at school, but weak in Mathematics.  As we all know, this happens to many students and Mathematics has killed more students and their careers than Malaria or Typhoid.  There could be something seriously wrong in the way the subject is taught.  Some teachers may not have the necessary skills in teaching the subject. Absorption and retention capacity also differs from student to student.  Once a child develops an aversion to a teacher or a subject, the trouble can only escalate.  The biggest challenge before any teacher is two fold.  The first one is to make himself or herself acceptable to the student as a person.  The second one is to teach the subject in such a way that the child or student starts liking the subject.  There was some discussion at home two years ago about the subjects this girl was to choose at Pre-University level.  Father had suggested a choice of Arts subjects and avoiding Mathematics.  Other well-wishers had insisted on Mathematics as it would ensure (?) a bright future in the competitive world.  Well-wishers had won the battle and she chose Mathematics.  Trigonometry and Calculus intensified the trouble Arithmetic and Geometry had sown earlier.  Now the result was out.  "Fear of failure" that haunted her for two years had indeed crystallized now and staring at her, threatening her future.  Failure in the examination was bad enough; the music to face for having chosen the subject despite earlier warning was the worse part.  Wasting another year for passing the paper and taking up some other course thereafter was the later challenge.  She braced herself for the onslaught about to be unleashed.  She expected a "Jugalbandi" with father and mother scolding her in turns.  She also feared outbreak of a fight among her parents as to who was responsible for her failure. Who among the three, daughter or father or mother, is to be blamed the most?

"Congratulations!"  said the father in a cheerful voice.  She was flabbergasted at this remark.  "Has he gone mad?  Why is he congratulating me for failing in the examination?  Did my failure upset him so much that he has lost his sense of proportion?", she probably wondered.  "Why are you congratulating her?" asked the mother, coming out of the kitchen.  "She has upheld the family tradition!" exclaimed the father.  "What does that mean?" asked the daughter, with a smile on her face for the first time since she saw her result that morning.  "Your father had failed in Mathematics.  Your grandfather too had failed in Mathematics. His father too had failed in that subject.  Now you have made the fourth generation in that exalted tradition.  Should you not be congratulated for carrying forward this great legacy?", he asked.  Tension had eased.  Atmosphere was now more relaxed.  Supper was served in a pleasant environment.

Clearing the Mathematics paper was a per-requisite for finding an alternate course at the graduate course level.  A close relative helped her find a tutor to teach her Mathematics for three months.  This teacher was an expert in the subject as well as in teaching methods.  Supported by this arrangement, the girl appeared in the supplementary examination and passed Mathematics paper.  Six months were still to go for resuming college studies during the next academic year.  She utilized this time for acquiring alternate skills.  Shifting to arts and literature helped her in graduate school and she was now a class topper.  She forgot Mathematics and surged ahead in her chosen field, leaving her friends with higher marks in Mathematics far behind.  She had a lingering doubt about the family tradition of failing in Mathematics.  Several years later she mustered courage to ask her father about it.  He laughed and told her that her grandfather and great grandfather were both very good at Mathematics and were considered as the best teachers in the subject in their times!  He further told her that academic studies were indeed important, but that is not all in life.  In case of difficulty in studies in any subject, alternate routes should be explored.

One of the famous quotes of Will Rogers, American actor and humorist and known as Oklahoma's favorite son, is that he made fun of every known human being but he never found a dull person or a person whom he did not like.  He felt that every person he met was interesting in one way or the other!  The creator has bestowed every human being with some great qualities.  Some never know about those qualities they possess and walk into their graves with them.  Some do find them early in their lives and are smart enough to en-cash them.  Some others are lucky to find a mentor who help them find those hidden qualities and shine.  "Try, try, try again" is one approach.  Finding alternate routes is another approach.  Alternate routes are always available.  Only issue is we have to find them.  And find them before it is too late.